2021: Trying To Keep It Together

So 2021 opened up with some promise. It can’t be worse than 2020, right?

Wrong.

It turns out it can get much worse; colossally so. 2021 has, without doubt, been the worst year of my life.

2019 ended pretty badly. It saw the end of my long term relationship along with what was left of my self esteem. Therefor, when 2020 began it held in its grasps so much hope; I was going to travel, start loving myself again and find my purpose in the world. Then… March happened. What at first seemed like an over exaggeration of the flu, turned into a worldwide fucking pandemic. We were asked to work from home. Trips were cancelled. Gigs postponed. Venues closed. Hope lost.

But we got through it.

When 2021 finally freed us from the hell that was 2020, I genuinely thought things would get better. I was turning 30. Something I had looked forward to since I was 13. My 30s are going to be great, I thought. Less insecurities. No more overthinking. Just being.

My 30th birthday approached and amidst the excitement a week earlier, I got a phone call that would change everything. My Nan, my only Nan, the keeper of secrets and teller of terrible jokes, didn’t have long left to live. This week would be the hardest of my life and break me emotionally.

She held in for my actual birthday. I got to see her the day after as visitation was limited due to covid (once again, fuck you covid).

Although she was practically unresponsive, when I came in and held her hand, she made a sound and what I can only hope was an attempt at a smile at my arrival. The strength and effort that this must have taken for her to do is something that I will never forget.

But four days after my birthday, on May 29th, she took her last breath. I was torn between feeling relief that she was no longer in the agonising pain that tormented her for years and deep, deep heartbreak that I had lost such a big part of my life. It’s cliche, but a part of me died that day too. 

So that was my 30th birthday; this momentous occasion that I had put so much value on, spent mourning the loss of one of the greatest loves my life. 

To add insult to injury, the world still hasn’t opened up again. Life isn’t back to normal as we’d hoped and Christmas Morning, I got the gift of Covid. Merry Fucking Christmas. 

I don’t know what 2022 has in store, but please… God, Universe, whoever has control over this shit… help a girl out.